You’ve got mail

Image result for emailDear Amanda,

I love you, but girl, never make the mistake of thinking you are unique. After all, a name is just a name. And an email address? That’s only barely yours at all. Let me tell you, I got another of those emails tonight: “Confirm your Twitter account, Amanda Potts. It’s easy — just click the button below.”

Don’t worry: I get this message about once a month and I never click the button…but I’ll tell you what, I think Amanda’s trying to get pregnant. I know she lives in Arizona and I live in Ottawa, but there are some obvious signs. I mean, first of all, let’s talk about the BabyCenter emails. They’re all about when to have sex and how to prepare your body for pregnancy. By the time I got on BabyCenter, I jumped straight to the “your baby is now the size of a insert small fruit or vegetable here” emails, so I’m guessing she’s still trying – but she could absolutely be pregnant even as I type. Shh – if I find out, I won’t tell anyone.

I *will* share a secret with you, though: I can’t tell anyone who knows her because I’ve never met her. You see, there are these other Amanda Pottses out there and they keep accidentally using my email address.

Which means that I know that Amanda Potts is probably on her way to Portugal by now. Her “Ocean and Yoga Leadership Retreat” sounded great when I found out about it last month. I bet that the hosts, Fernando and Eva, are lovely, and I kind of want to meet Max, the surfing instructor. It’s really too bad that I have to, you know, work and watch my children in Ottawa during that scheduled retreat – I would love to go. And I missed out on those Sandals retreat points last year, too. Such a shame.

Still, I can’t say I’m sorry I missed the “Bare-assed Silverado Stay” a few years ago, back when she was trying to make a go of things as an actress. I kind of admired her daring, but I’m just too old for that kind of thing anymore. Apparently Amanda lost her underwear? Possibly in at a ranch somewhere? Though she was definitely living in California at the time and, really, it’s not like her to vacation where she lives. Anyway, according to her therapist, who believes all things happen for a reason and suggested that perhaps I should be part of her on-line therapy group… but wait, that’s private. Well, sort of. I mean, she accidentally emailed me instead of, well, Amanda.

Now, I’m pretty sure that Midwest Amanda Potts, who has registered for several conferences that sound so incredibly dull that I can only assume that she is going for work, would be horrified if she knew everything I know about her. Because, I think we can all say it’s obvious that she’s a somewhat private person. And possibly she’s a workaholic? Odds are increasing with every passing email. Perhaps when I finally figure out her actual email address I should put her in touch with Arizona Amanda? Because I’m pretty sure that Surf and Yoga Amanda is just a *little* too wild for midwestern Amanda. Not that I would know. But those emails give me more than an inkling.

I do worry a little. I mean, maybe it’s the name? Maybe there’s a secret truth about Amanda Potts that means that I, too, give oodles of people the wrong email address on a regular basis. Maybe there are emails meant for me  that are actually somewhere in cyberspace randomly arriving in another Amanda Potts’s inbox.

I assure myself: this is not possible. I’m the one with the good email address. Too bad for those other Amanda Pottses that I am older and was the first to jump on the email thing all those years ago. Age has its privileges. They’ll just have to deal with my email superiority – or, well, I guess I just have to deal with all of their email.

For now, I’ll just keep forwarding the messages to the Amandas I’ve found and looking for the ones I haven’t – and I’ll consider the trove of absolutely crazy messages I’ve received as fair payment. Oh, and I’ve got to go find the Amanda Potts who’s publishing on Academia.com. I would love to share my email with her.

Yours,

Amanda

slice-of-life_individualSlice of Life, Day 18, March 2018

Thanks to Two Writing Teachers for this wonderful month of inspiration.

27 thoughts on “You’ve got mail

  1. Wow! This is the digital version (multiplied many times over) of our issue with a house bearing the same address around the corner (but with Cove, not Parkway). How nice of you to handle it with grace, being a good digital citizen and forwarding the emails; I think it would start to annoy me after awhile!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AH, but the stories – there are so many stories… it’s the only thing that keeps me from being perpetually annoyed. That and the fact that the surf and yoga Amanda situation is well beyond absurd. Now I save her emails. We even kind of know each other. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I only feel bad for midwest Amanda. Surf and Yoga Amanda has been giving other people my email instead of hers for YEARS. Once she even accidentally sent one to me instead of to herself. Arizona Amanda married into the name – she seems young & I admire her persistence: she’s determined to get her dang Twitter account set up through my email. Poor midwest Amanda clearly doesn’t even know this is happening…

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  2. Annoying, I’m sure, but your writing made it a lot of fun. It feels like a book or a movie, where the Amandas start cashing in each other’s coupons and points and eventually start living each other’s lives…until, of course, they eventually meet. Actually, that has the sound of a cheesy Hollywood movie that does really well at the box office. Maybe you could make it into something deeper. Now I’m going to sit and ponder what kind of things people would know about me from my emails.

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    1. There just has to be a way to make money from this absurd situation. Surf and Yoga Amanda is the WORST. I get her email all the time. I know so so so much about her. But I’ve mostly made peace with it – because I’m sure I’ve got a tv show or movie in here somewhere. It’s got a road-trip vibe – maybe kind of Thelma and Louise meets The Hangover? At a minimum we could be YouTubers, right?

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no! I’m not sure I can handle more confusion. 😉 Seriously, it is wild – and this post is my first attempt to capture it, but the stories are endless & I’ve barely done them justice here… just means I get to try again in the future. Tell your Amanda I say hi. Hahaha

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  3. Well,I have trouble getting a user name with he moniker Susan Kennedy. And I found out several years ago that she was quite a famous Australian soap opera actress. I’m quite jealous that I don’t get anyone’s email. I think there’s a book in there.

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  4. Hahaha – I bet Susan Kennedy is a tough one! I think mine is all the more odd since it’s not like Amanda Potts is a name people expect to encounter every day. I’m a little nervous that this Amanda Potts on Academia.com is headed for fame, but at least she’s not an Australian soap opera actress!

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  5. This is hilarious. I imagine you have some frustrations from the email confusion, but that you find humor and can construct characters from this is absolute genius. Maybe you could turn it into a novel. I can hear the Amanda voices and imagine a multi-voiced novel featuring each one w/ you as the controlling voice. I get some odd followers on Twitter who think my @gmfunk represents some kind of rap genre, but I don’t have to follow back. This email adventure is a whole other level of parallel universe.

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  6. I read your post first thing this morning and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it or laughing about it all day (I didn’t respond right away because I was supposed to be working on my own slice, which still has yet to be posted!) 🙂 I really love that this crazy mix-up continues to give you material. I can’t wait to hear the latest. Again, your writing, seems to lend itself to some sort of series, either visual or written. I mean, if Surf and Yoga Amanda only knew, and, the irony that she wanted to be an actress. She has no idea her life is a movie waiting to happen. I absolutely look forward to your writing. So happy you’re here sharing!

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    1. So. Let me tell you. Today I got another thing about the damn Ocean and Yoga thing in Portugal. Portugal. Dammit, I’m in OTTAWA. It is cold here. Anyway, they encouraged the participants to watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk and read a “poem” by Joseph Campbell. Poem my ass. I double-checked and then, when I had confirmed my suspicion, I forwarded the email to Amanda and included the tidbit that it wasn’t a poem and it wasn’t exactly by Joseph Campbell. Oh the pretension! (Theirs and mine.) And even worse I’m still half jealous. I just need to write the book and sell the rights… By the way, I’m waiting for your slice, too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are killing me! Is this the first time you’ve let yourself be known? I mean, I almost don’t want Yoga Ocean Amanda to find out about the real Amanda Potts, but you’re adding so much to this story! Start that screenplay STAT, and I will be first in line to see it (or read it and help you edit!). Seriously. I’m from LA. I know people. Seriously, though. Haha.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve had this problem too, with someone whose email address was one letter off from mine. I figured that he (in this case, the other Whitney was a he, not a she) was doing it on purpose, because I got a lot of spam email from eBay sites and art auctions. But then I started getting emails about offers made on particular pieces of ceramics. Apparently my email doppleganger collected ceramics. Then I started getting email invites from colleagues, and then discussions (better keep this off the record!) about job problems with members of a scattered nationwide team, and then discussions and replies to queries about other jobs. By this time, I knew the gentleman worked in advertising. I emailed back to all his friends and colleagues that they had the wrong email address, and please correct it, but I still kept getting emails- even from the same people (Hey, bro! Why’re you ignoring my emails?) When I started getting emails about strategy details for the advertising campaigns for a variety of companies, including an international one where a dear friend worked, I had had enough. I knew which firm he worked for and who owned it, so I simply emailed the owner and suggested that perhaps he might like to know that confidential ad campaign details were being consistently revealed to a random English teacher (and that my friend who worked for one of their clients might be interested in hearing about how their information was treated). Like a miracle, I never got another email linked to this other Whitney.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is amazing! I, too, wondered if one of them was using this as a throwaway address, but I’ve had job offers and more – though never quite as in-depth as what you experienced. I will keep your story in my back pocket if things ever get really bad!

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