He was shamelessly cheating. While the “big boys” (my teens) and my spouse splashed around the small pool, calling loudly to each other, my cousin’s 7-year-old ducked underwater every time he heard the dreaded cry, “Marco!” Others might give away their position by replying, “Polo!” but he was no fool. You’re a lot harder to find if Marco can’t hear you.
Of course we called him on it, tickling him and dunking him. “You’re a cheating cheater!” my sons teased, and he didn’t deny it. Seven is the perfect age to check out what happens when you break the rules. Turns out, if you cheat long enough, we’ll change the game – and we’ll love you anyway.
***
After school, my child tells me that one of his teachers has accused him of cheating. “The worst part,” he says, “is that I did it: we wrote that section together – but only because we thought we were allowed to.” He takes a deep breath. “I tried to explain. I tried to tell him that we obviously thought it was ok because we used the exact same words. If I was trying to cheat I wouldn’t be so dumb about it, but he wouldn’t even listen.”
My son is upset, and rightly so. The idea that someone thinks you have intentionally been dishonest can be devastating. Worse, he likes this teacher and this subject; he’s worried about the ramifications of this incident.
“Will you write to him and tell him I’m not a cheater?” he asks. I counsel him to send an apology email, even though he’s still upset about the accusation itself. He pulls out his phone and shows me the email he’s already composed. “Is it good enough?” he asks. “Can I send it?” It is and he does.
***
We all knew that the 9th grade Mythology test was nearly impossible. Senior students recounted horror stories. “No one passes,” they assured us. “It’s killer.” I studied and studied, and worried so much that I made myself physically ill before the test. I vomited and got sent home at lunch.
My teacher announced to the class that what I had done was a form of cheating. She gave them the “easy” version of the test and “saved” the hard one for my return. Then, she told me that she assumed I had lied about being sick. I cried while I took the make-up test – which I aced, even though it was very, very hard. I’m still not sure if she ever thought of me as completely honest after that. I know that I never quite trusted her again.
***
I don’t know what to write to my son’s teacher, but I know what I want to say. I want to say, even if he did it, even if he intentionally did the wrong thing – and I don’t think he did – please remember that he’s a child, not a cheater. Please don’t do to him what my teacher did to me all those years ago.
I’ll find the words for the email, but before I do, I’m going upstairs to give my child an extra hug. I can’t change this particular game, but I’ll love him anyway.
Persistence and Pedagogy 
I’m sorry. I am always very careful with my students to make sure that the action is separate from the person’s character. I hope the teacher was just having a bad day and will listen to what you and your con have to tell him in your emails. Kids are kids and make mistakes whether intentionally or not.
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So clever the way you pulled all of these different bits together. So many hard lessons to coach our kids through. I think it was great that you encouraged him to reach out to the teacher himself and that he had already drafted something. Sometimes the lessons our kids learn is that even teachers make mistakes- mistakes they don’t always own up to. Ugh. I hope the two of you can help make this right. Your son is lucky to have you on his side.
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Ouch! You took a tough moment and wove in additional layers to add to its complexity and impact. The writing is stellar. The moment is painful. I do hope this is resolved. My heart aches for your son. As Jessica noted, he’s lucky to have you on his side.
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I like how you brought all these separate stories together through the central theme. But then the last two really had to do with each other. How you were treated was not how you wanted your son treated. Yeah, it’s so hard to get over something so negative a teacher said to you. Like someone else in the comments said. Never call the kid “cheater” or “liar” or whatever else. It’s not who they are. And if you call them that, it will stay with them forever.
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This is wonderfully wirtten with each piece from past to present adding to the slice, and then the repitition about chaning the game but loving him anyway. I hope everything works out for him.
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I went from feeling such joy to feeling frustrated about this situation—your ability to thread these three stories together so seamlessly made the emotional shift even more powerful. The way you’re handling it is admirable; I hope there’s a positive resolution!
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We’ll love you anyway. Sure do need people/relationships like th
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The juxtaposition of these three stories is jarring — from the exploratory, risk-taking 7-year-old, to a misunderstood teen, to your own self, sick from the pressure and accused of cheating. It’s a reminder to all of us for how we approach children when they make “bad” choices. I hope that your son’s teacher can read his words and hear his perspective, and that they will apologize as is warranted.
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Amanda,
Lots of thoughts about this post. First, I wanted to giggle about your nephew, but having raised a child who lied at a young age and who still lies to me, makes me not laugh. Second, my heart breaks for your son and for you. I hope his teacher rethinks his reaction, his unwillingness to listen. During my teaching g years I tried to err on the side of caution. That is, I’d rather be wrong and give a kid the benefit of the doubt than stand my ground w/ my first impulse and break or damage a relationship. I’m sure I screwed up in this regard more often than I want to remember. In terms of how you handle your correspondence w/ the teacher, my suggestion—which I have no right to make, obviously—is to send the teacher this blog post and ask him to read it. If it doesn’t touch that teacher’s heart, I don’t know what will. Good luck and lots of hugs for your baby boy.
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This is tough! I hate writing to my kid’s teachers about this sort of thing but sometimes it has to be done. It’s never easy.
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The Marco Polo scene made me laugh. You start out light. “You’re a lot harder to find if Marco can’t hear you.” 😂 is this a braided narrative! I think it is. You’re always full of craft moves!
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