Recently, in the Writer’s Craft class I am teaching, we read Kobe Bryant’s “Dear Basketball” letter, and I prompted students to write a letter to an object. Of course I wrote in front of them and chose a hard/funny topic. Here it is, slightly revised and a little more scandalous than what I shared in class.
Dear first floor boys’ bathroom,
I don’t understand your allure. You are, apparently, one of the most attractive things in the school – boys flock to you, hang out with you, lie to be with you – and yet, I’ve seen you, and, frankly, you are nothing special. In fact, sometimes you are downright nasty.
What sanctuary do you offer? Sometimes I imagine you are a hiding space, a place for boys to be away from the prying eyes of teachers. Other times, I think you are an invitation to transgression: when boys spend time with you, they know they walk the line between what is and is not allowed. They’re kind of safe – after all, everyone needs the bathroom sometimes, and they have time to hide anything really bad when they hear an adult walking in. You offer just the kind of trouble that gets them sent back to class, out of your secret spaces and into the hallways where they must walk in the light.
I cannot imagine the pull of a stinky space where people go to take care of bodily functions as a place to hang out. But what do I know? I mean, Yeats wrote, “But Love has pitched his mansion in/ The place of excrement” lines that shocked me when I was in high school, so I’m probably not the best judge. Not that you know about Yeats; I suspect you’re more a reader of graffiti. Even as I write to you, my mind goes to brothels and back alleys, places that offer physical satisfaction and frissons of delight to those willing to go just to the edge of what society accepts.
Perhaps you are the opium den of our school, or the whorehouse – and if I’m going to share this, perhaps you are enticing me, too, to the edge of what is allowable. Still, downstairs boys’ bathroom, your siren call is undeniable, and I’m not yet willing to tie myself to the mast to keep students from being lured to your shores – or toilets. For now, I will gently suggest that boys ignore your temptations, knowing full well that they will not be able to resist.
Yours,
The teacher down the hall
Persistence and Pedagogy 
This is hilarious and so clever. When I was in high school I wouldn’t dare go into the bathroom. Nobody good hung out there. I got a bladder infection from that fear.
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Thank goodness my high school had reasonable girls’ bathrooms. I have no idea about the boys’, though…
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Disgustingly good!
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Oh, you’re good!
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This was great! I loved all of your descriptions. Such a great piece.
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Thank you!
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Such a wonderful piece of writing–hilarious, rueful, insightful, reflective. The bathrooms in my building serve the same purpose–extremely alluring places for boys to congregate. One funny thing that started happening this year is that when some kids actually have to use the bathroom for their intended purpose, they will ask a teacher to lock them in so no one can come in just to have a little gathering with friends.
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This is fabulous! You must have had the best time writing it, and I’m guessing your students thought it was hilarious, too. What a fantastic slice!
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Amanda,
I’m sensing an icky toilet theme in your year! LOL! Love the Yeats lines. Thinking you didn’t include those in the kid version. Perfect allusion to Homer. I’d argue ever kid needs to read The Odyssey since siren song is a ubiquitous image across time. Seriously, you know my struggle w/ school bathrooms. Dealing w/ those deserve hazard pay, I think. Did you show the kids Duchamp’s toilet?
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This is one of my favorite slices yet! I absolutely love this. It’s funny and witty and had me putting myself in the shoes of the boys who gather there.
It also reminded me about some of my favorite writing prompts — to imitate a mentor. I fondly remember a few particular writing assignments that my high school English teachers had us do where we needed to mimic the style of Mrs. Dalloway, or write our own grotesque. Such a creative way to demonstrate learning! And just downright fun!
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I am laughing hysterically right now! This is so perfectly done.
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When I get stuck this month, I already know I can come back to your blog for inspiration. You’ve posted a few posts already that had me thinking, I could try that. I have a draft, with just a title, Nearby. This one is clever. I bet the kids got a kick out of it.
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Such a confusing place! Why do so many students want to hang out in the washroom??
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Yeah! I wouldn’t be jealous. They’ll get over it/her soon enough.
I don’t really know about the siren song. When I was in junior high, a group called Brownsville Station had a song called Smokin in the Boys Room (I think Motley Crue did a cover of it). I think maybe the vape or the smoke is the real siren, but I truly loved this line: ”I’m not yet willing to tie myself to the mast to keep students from being lured to your shores – or toilets.” Mmmm.
You might as well let them go…just pray that they wash their hands…and their shoes. It’s nasty in there.
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Ha Ha! What a clever and creative writing prompt! Your students must adore your class. The boys bathroom is a mystery to me as well. I teach in an elementary school and over the years kids have had many antics in the boys bathroom: glueing down the toilet seat, throwing hotdogs down the toilet, tearing down the toilet paper holder to spell out a few. Often after some disrespectful damage, the bathroom was “closed” for a short time. Now a monitor sits outside the door and a camera documents the coming and goings outside of the bathroom. Still on occassion, these boys find new, creative ways to make the bathroom an exciting adventure!
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Ah, the siren call of the bathroom (best line). It’s so true — why do they all hang out in there? We still have recess at my schools (7/8 in a K-8 school) so I know they hide from the cold.
I love this prompt; a great writing exercise.
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Okay, this is fantastic. And I love that there’s a NSFW version that you couldn’t share with your kids (though it is, granted, only mildly NSFW). Anyway, love the detail here, love the questions about the space. So fun.
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I decided that it was *mostly* safe for work – or rather, safe for seniors but not for freshmen. The seniors – who were the ones I was writing in front of when I started – thought this was hilarious.
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