At first, this post may look like a poem – and it is! A pantoum, no less! – but it actually a tribute to mentors & the writing process.
On Day Two
How have I forgotten these early days
When doubt – or lack of sleep – drowns
any conviction that I have made
the right choice,
When doubt – or lack of sleep – drowns
the constant rhythm of the deep heart’s core,
which knows the right choice must be
the leap I have already taken?
The constant rhythm of my deep heart’s core
fears nothing:
The leap I have already taken,
the worry that I will share my imperfection,
fears, – nothing
you, too, have not felt before.
The desire to share imperfection,
and be seen –
you, too, have felt it before,
that conviction that we are made
to be seen.
But, oh, I had forgotten these early days.
How I started
(Mentor #1: Alice Nine, who blogged here when I first started, used to write something and then share her process. I found it endlessly fascinating. Today, I’ll share mine.)
I went to bed last night with my head full of ideas for blogging – and I woke up this morning with nothing. Nothing. “Why,” I asked myself, “did I even sign up this year?” (Note: I literally never considered NOT signing up, so this question is ridiculous.) I proceeded to spend a fairly impressive amount of time beating myself up: I overcommit, I take on new things but don’t let anything go, I compare myself to others, I should have chosen a theme for the month (Mentors #2 & #3: Sherri Spelic and E Griffin, both of whom have lovely themes for the month). You get the picture.
Of course, I quickly realized that I have been in this space before – the space where I doubt basically everything. It happens every March during this challenge (and usually right at the beginning, go figure). My mind leaped quickly to the truth that this is also how I felt when I had newborns: some combination of overwhelming excitement, fear and doubt. This leap, I am certain, came from reading a new-to-me blog yesterday, Ana Paton’s lovely post about overwhelm and holding her newborn daughter & poetry.
In my head I heard, “How have I forgotten these early days?” I scribbled that down & then free-wrote for a few minutes. It was poem-ish, probably because of that single line. Plus, mentor #4, my friend Earl Brogan once told me that if I was having trouble saying something, I should try poetry. (I think I harumphed, but he has been proven right.)
Getting unstuck
When I ran out of steam, I paused and wrote about what I was trying to write. I make my students do this meta-writing all the time, and I love it. I wrote, “Revision: This is a poem of fears and questions. Is the final answer yes? Or I am enough? Or one step at a time? Hmm… Or is the final answer a question?” The idea of questions and answers led me to try the duplex form that poet Jericho Brown invented because the theme seemed ideal for a conversation. I played with that for a while until I suddenly wrote, “Nope – not a duplex – because the second voice is insipid.”
Well.
One of the sites I’d used to remind myself of the duplex form had also discussed pantoum. I love pantoums but find them complicated to write. Still, my early draft had a lot of repetition, so I copied out the form.
Stealing a line
From there, I spent a fair amount of time tinkering with lines. A pantoum is not a weekday poem – at least not for me. At one point, I nearly threw in the towel, but then I remembered a line from (Mentor #5) WB Yeats’ poem “The Lake Isle of Innisfree” – the deep heart’s core. Once I would have eschewed that line as not mine, but I another trick I share with my students is to “steal a line.” So I did.
Having some courage
And here I am! I have a pantoum! And I’m publishing it! And for that, I need to thank other mentors like (mentors #6 – a bazillion) Margaret Simon, Glenda Funk and Fran Haley who regularly & generously share their poetry – plus the Monthy Open Write that Sarah Donovan hosts over at Ethical ELA.
As it turns out, I write in a community who does, I think, “see” me. And for that, I thank Stacy Shubitz, Melanie Meehan and everyone at TwoWritingTeachers.
Now, with day 2 under my belt, I move forward into day 3.
Persistence and Pedagogy 
Hello, fellow over-committer! Loved reading your pantoum, making a note to use it sometime later in the month. 😀
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because who doesn’t love a pantoum, right?
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No one. Not even the folks that think it has another meaning. The word calls for attention.
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Dare I ask what you thought it meant? Heeheehee
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I knew the word, but hadn’t seen it for ever. I was glad when you gave your description of your process. I hope you do that again.
I had fun thinking of pantaloons. I am not a careful reader … as Jim is … and skim and rush along.
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As much as I loved the pantoum, I really loved reading your inspirations and mentor texts and all of the connections. Thought I am a day late to the challenge (Whhhooooppppsss) it’s nice to be here, and see some familiar writings.
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Thanks, Heidi! I’m teaching Writer’s Craft this semester & it’s making me *much* more conscious of process – mostly because I don’t think I’m teaching that part very well. SIGH.
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I am sure you are teaching it just fine; I can’t imagine you not doing the process justice. It is, on the one hand, challenging to teach, really — right? (also, makes me want to do High School sometime…even just pop in and see what High Schoolers are writing).
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Your poem is lovely, and I really enjoyed reading about your process. I am someone who has a fickle relationship with writing. I LOVE it…for a few months. And then I stop and go to “the space where I doubt basically everything.” Then a few days/weeks – or, who am I kidding – months will pass, and I’ll open up my drafts or “Ideas” file or read something wonderful from another writer (Thank you, Amanda!) and be inspired to love it again. Good for you for battling the doubt and coming up with something beautiful and valuable!
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Maybe Amandas are just like that? We need breaks & a little inspiration…
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I was amazed (and a little envious) of your pantoum. Not an easy form! Then I read your process and realized this was long in coming, not easy, from a co-writer committed to working on their writing process this month. Yes! We are in this together. I have to keep reminding myself that some one will read it…someone safe in the same boat like you.
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I can’t imagine you being envious of one of my poems. I love watching you write & learning all the ways that poetry is in your life. Heck, I still use your some of the poems in your book to teach poetry – so thanks for the vote of confidence!
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Amanda,
I’ve been sitting on my couch w/ Stanley Tucci, who is a big couch hog. My anxiety is stratigraphic because I’m so nervous about poetry today. I haven’t been this on edge about writing in years. And as I read your post—fantastic pantoum, btw—I found myself feeling calmer. Maybe it’s the reminder we’re in this together. We have communities supporting us and validating our voices even on the days when they crack. I’m holding onto that. I don’t often share my writing process. I don’t always know the genesis of an idea. They often just happen. I’m gonna pay more attention this month because I really like reading about writing in posts such as yours.
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Amanda! I adore the pantoum form! It’s just so musical – and yours flows so beautifully, no small feat, INDEED. -How many times have I hammered and hammered on a pantoum?? Your lines so convey the exhaustion and second guessing already present on Day Two (!!) of this Challenge, but also, as you explain, any commitment, like having a newborn: Am I up to it? Can I do it, even whilst owning my imperfections?? It’s a universal feeling, powerfully captured. I love your explication of your process and how so many pieces got woven in to your poem… that is EXACTLY how writing works. I happen to believe poetry is in our “deep heart’s core,” lying there, latent, waiting for us to find it and tease it out. I am so grateful for your presence, your words, your grace toward self and others, and your gracious sharing. Thank you ❤
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Pantoum. New word, New form for me. Nice work, dear heart.
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Echoing Lisa here. Did not know this form. And shout out for your persistence *and* pedagogy not only in delivering the poem but also showing us how you got there!
Very proud to be in your circle of resources.
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Thanks for the inspiration, both to try out a pantoum, and to not let myself get overwhelmed or stuck in this month of slicing. I, too, have tons of ideas and then they all disappear when I sit down to actually write. Showing up is the thing!
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Love that you unpacked your process! How fun was that to read!? Immense! Thank you.
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Wonderful poem and your explanations are so useful. Awesome!
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I wanted to just comment, “way to go, nerd!”, but then I wondered if you would think that was funny 🙂
I decided to do it anyway.
“Way to go, Nerd!”
From one nerd to another…
Seriously though, I enjoyed your explanation, and now I need to study about pantoums. Pfft, more homework.
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Hahahaha ❤
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I loved following along with your process and how you incorporated what you’ve taught your students to do (steal a line, etc.). Pantoums are definitely not weekday poems in my book either! Well done! And onward!!!
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Onward, indeed – to weekday haikus, probably 😀
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Note: I literally never considered NOT signing up, so this question is ridiculous….I was thinking this “there’s no way she wouldn’t write with us this March!” Loved the process part of this piece, which was intricate and complex in itself- I’m not sure I understand all the things you shared and did but I think it’s all amazing. You probably could have made this a two part slice! So glad you’re here! ❤️
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Of course I wouldn’t abandon this in March. I love this community ❤
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Pantoums are totally new to me. Thanks for teaching me today.
We’re a community rich in mentors, of which you, too, are one! Aren’t we lucky?!
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We really are lucky. This community has truly changed my life. Astonishing, really.
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I completely forgot about pantoums! Back in college, I remember writing some in a poetry workshop. I love the lyrical one you captured here about all the fears and doubts of the early days of sharing (that yes, we all feel! you’ve captured my thoughts exactly!).
I love to the gratitude for your mentors. I’ll surely check them out, and continue to follow you here as well throughout this challenge.
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Mentors matter so much more than I ever realized when I started writing!
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Brave. I can say I have never written a Pantoum. You make me want to read up and try my hand at this poetic form. I won’t ry it M-F 😂. I feel like you have properly prepared me for the effort. My favorite lines from your beautiful poem: “you, too, have felt it before,/ that conviction that we are made/ to be seen.” Yes! Thank you for the poem, and the process, and the shout-outs to mentors.
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Pantoums are actually a lot of fun. My one piece of advice is to make each line of the first stanza something that can more or less stand alone… after that, it’s a wild ride. Heeheehee
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