About my grade

Friday
On Friday, I give him his “evidence record” – the sheet of paper that shows the grades a student has earned on various assignments throughout the semester. While I’m excited about the recent series of high scores he’s earned, his eyes move directly to the list of “Incomplete” work, assignments he simply didn’t do at the beginning of the school year. 

“So,” he says, and he slumps as if the paper in his hand is almost too heavy to hold, “how many of these do I need to do to catch up?”

Grade 12 did not start well for him. I didn’t know him well enough to ask, but I’ve been teaching long enough to recognize a smart kid in a bad set of circumstances without needing to know the particulars.  

“None.”

He looks up. “What?”

I eye him, “What would you learn by going back and doing these assignments?”

“Not to do it again.” His answer is almost rote, and maybe I imagine it, but I’d swear there is a tinge of despair.

“Really?” I wear my best skeptical look.

“Probably not,” he admits.

“Well, I’d say that our work has gotten harder, not easier,” (This is true: he skipped “This I Believe” in favour of Hamlet and increasingly complex analysis and writing) “so doing previous assignments won’t teach you much and won’t show me much. We’re supposed to look at the ‘most recent, most consistent’ evidence we have. And recently, your consistent evidence shows excellence.”

He needs to confirm what he’s just heard. He needs the actual words. “So I don’t need to do these?”

“Nope.”

He stares at the paper in wonder, then he looks up. “Are you a hugger?” he asks. “Can I hug you?”

I say yes, and I get a wonderful hug from a near-adult who maybe just learned that sometimes mistakes can and should be forgiven – a far better lesson than whatever grade is on the paper that was weighing him down a minute ago.

Monday
On Monday, she stalks into the classroom, wearing a tragic look. She plunks her backpack down and yanks out her book. I can’t say she slams it on her desk, but it’s close. I’ve gotten used to her emotional highs and lows, so I approach her warily.

“Rough weekend?”

“Yes.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Oh, so that’s how this is going to be, I think.I back off. She glares. Dark circles ring her eyes – and her eyes follow me as I set up the classroom for the morning. I try again. 

“You ok?”

“I didn’t get in to my university.”

I pause. I’ve known this might be coming. She is not doing well in English, and English is a gatekeeping class: universities tend to require certain levels in English class. She’s been a little mad at me since midterm marks came out – but her disappointment hasn’t increased her work quantity or quality. 

I stop what I’m doing and go to her desk to give her my full attention. “Oh no!” I am truly sad for her even though I am, I think, less surprised than she is.

“It was my English mark.” I would say she snarls, but she’s too sad for a snarl, and now tears appear in her eyes. 

“I’m so sorry,” I say softly – and I am, I really, really am. I wish I could magically make this better; I wish I could go back in time and help her learn the skills she needs to be successful in this class; I wish I could tell her she’s doing better now. Instead, I am stuck trying to support the actual human being in front of me, and I know that simply giving her a good grade that isn’t supported by her work doesn’t help her in the long run. “What do you need?”

She tells me the number grade she needs. It *might* be within reach – though honestly it will be a stretch, and we only have two weeks before the exam. 

“Ok,” I say. “Let’s work with that. Let’s concentrate on preparing for the exam.”

“But I’m terrible at essays,” and now she really is crying.

“Ok, but I can help. We can work together. And you might improve.” 

She might. She will need to use our next classes well. She will need to come into the exam with her notes in order, having considered what she wants to write. She will need to work. I want to promise that it’s within reach. I want to comfort her, but I bite my tongue. Comfort is cold when it’s a lie.

She hears what I’m not saying and glares at me again as she wipes away her tears. “Fine,” she says tersely, and opens her book.

Tuesday
On Tuesday, I wake to an email. Last night I “released” marks from an assignment Grade 9 students did before Winter Break. Honestly, I’d returned them before the break, when the assignment was due, but more assignments have come in, and I’m trying to get my grade book in order before we get to the end of the semester. I’d like to give the grade 9s a chance to catch up or improve, especially if they’ve learned something new. 

The email that I sent out shared their scores as a fraction out of 14.

The email I get from the student says, “Is this bad?”

Technically, I am an English teacher, but truly I am a teacher. I know that a person should be able to guesstimate – at the very least – if they’ve done well based on a fraction. I write back, “To figure out a mark like this, you are looking for the percentage. To find the percentage, you divide the first number (the part) by the second number (the whole). In this case your score is 12 divided by 14. The rest is up to you. Luckily, you’ll be getting back several more marks like this in the next few days, so you’ll get lots of practice!”

I wonder why this student didn’t know that they’d done well. It was a “quiz” (in the sense that there were answers, but it was open) in a Google form. Do they not remember it? Were they uncertain of their responses? Were they guessing on some? When I took quizzes, I usually had a sense of whether I’d done well.

I wonder how the student will react to my email. Will they be frustrated that I didn’t simply answer? Will they calculate their score? Will they calculate the grades they get in the next few days?

Then my brain wanders to grades in general. I wonder about them a lot. I wonder what they mean to students, parents, teachers, administrators, universities… I know they don’t mean the same thing to everyone. I wonder about numbers that make people give hugs and cry and send emails. I wonder about how these numbers fit into learning.

But it’s time to go, so I put my wonderings away and gather my things, glad that I’m not getting a fraction, percentage or number of any sort to try to tell me how I’m doing.

It’s the books

Of our eight bags – four carry-ons and four “personal items” – mine was the only one flagged for further inspection. The security guy smiled ruefully at me as he swung my bag onto the metal table. After asking permission, he unzipped the main compartment and said, “it’s the books.” I must have looked perplexed because he followed up, “The screener showed a large block of biological material. It’s the books.” He rifled haphazardly through the rest of my bag, but he already knew he wouldn’t find anything else: it was the books.

I could almost feel my teens – who, for the record, did NOT have any books in their bags – roll their eyes. My partner shook his head disbelievingly, “You got flagged for books?” Me? I quickly calculated how many books I had packed: only two… in that bag.

All told, I took three books, one journal and one agenda on vacation. Three books is a reasonable amount for a week, if you ask me: one I was finishing, one I planned to read while I was there, and one I’ve been nibbling on, in case the other one didn’t work out. The journal is self-explanatory, right? And the agenda, to be fair, was an oversight: I’m used to having it with me, and forgot to take it out. 

For the record, I finished both the first and the second books and was back to nibbling at the third by the time we were on our way home. Of course, I had also received two more books and a blank journal as gifts. If you’re keeping count, that means I was headed home with five books, two journals an agenda… and a teeny sudoku puzzle book that I forgot to count on the way out because really, it barely qualifies. Wary, I tried to split my “large block of biological material” between my two bags.

My efforts were for naught: I got flagged by security. This time, I started the conversation.

“It’s the books.”

The TSA agent eyed me up and down. I can only imagine what he saw. He turned to my backpack and peered into its depths. “Yup, it’s the books.” 

“I read a lot,” I tried to sound apologetic, but I suspect I failed.

“What I want to know,” he mused, “is will you really read all of these on this trip?”

I started to explain about the one to finish and the one to read and the one just in case and the gifts, but I suddenly knew how that would sound to him. I almost explained that I am an English teacher and that I love to read. I wanted to tell him about the one I’d just finished and…instead, I said lamely, “Well, you never know.”

I reclaimed my bag, checked the zipper, and headed over to my family.

“Same thing?” asked my partner.

“Yup,” I smiled, “It’s the books.”

And I read happily all the way home.

Happily Ever After

I’m on my prep, heading back to the classroom and slowly catching up to the two girls wandering down the hallway ahead of me, deep in conversation. For what must be the millionth time this December alone, I am trying to decide if it’s worth telling students that they really should be in class: my brain is on autopilot. Then I hear one of them say, “it’s happILY ever after.”

“HappILY?” her friend repeats, shaking her head quizzically.

“Yes.” She re-emphasizes the ily and the girls slow even more.

“But why?”

“I don’t know. But it is so.”

“Why not ‘happy forever’?”

“Yes, in Spanish it is ‘happy forever’ but here is it ‘happILY ever after.’”

They have nearly stopped. The questioner continues to shake her head, repeating “happILY” under her breath a few times. And now I have caught up to them.

“I can explain the ‘-ily,’” I say. Two faces turn towards me with such obvious pleasure that I nearly laugh. I explain that happily is an adverb and that it tells how they lived. I liken it to lentamente in Spanish. They nod gravely.

Then, I add, “but I don’t know why it’s ‘ever after.’”

Their interest bubbles over. “Si! In Spanish we say feliz para siempre – happy forever. So easy. Forever.”

Now we are in front of my classroom door. Inside, my student teacher is waiting. And really, the girls should be in class. So I shoo them off, saying, “I’ll look it up! Come back if you want to!” and off they go, hopefully to class, hopefully happILY.

What are we really teaching?

By the time I get to our office, lunch is already in full swing. I catch bits of at least three different conversations as I walk past the large table and plunk my things at my desk in the corner. Backpack, Chromebook, tea mug. Then I plop myself into my chair and take a deep breath. For a few seconds, I just sit and breathe, sit and listen.

This doesn’t last, of course. Time is an educator’s most precious commodity, and even lunchtime is limited. I grab my lunch bag and make my way toward the table and my colleagues. As I sit, I hear one teacher exclaim to another, “Right? He’s soooo rude. The other day he called me a [very bad word for women]. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I ignored it, obviously, and I reported it, but of course nothing will happen.”

The second teacher nods along, sympathetically, then adds, “Does he do that thing where you say something to him and he flat-out ignores you, then he asks the male teacher and gets the same answer? And then he does whatever the male teacher said and sort of smirks at you while he does it?”

“Of course he does.”

They are laughing now, comrades in arms, relieved that this experience is not theirs alone. The stories continue.

My heart has dropped. They are talking about the young person I wrote about in my last blog post, the same young person who I’d hoped I was beginning to understand a little better. I start to tell them that I have *just* written about him, that I think there is a way forward, but I hesitate. 

I think about the wariness the two girls displayed last week when they encountered him. I think about the way I felt last year, the way he treated me. I think about what I am hearing now in the lunchroom.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we should do. What are we responsible for teaching? English? History? Math? Yes, of course. But educators talk, too, about the “whole student” and the “hidden curriculum” and the things schools teach based on what we accept and don’t accept. I wonder if my decision to lean into his “humour” – which is so often rude – is actually harming him? Perhaps those of us who have worked to “meet him where he’s at” need to hold him to a different standard? And if we did, would anything change? How much influence do we have anyway?

In the office, the conversation swirls and the topics change. The bell rings, everyone heads to classrooms, and the rhythm of the school day subsumes my moment of doubt. Periodically throughout the week, I wonder and even worry, but there’s never a moment to find another teacher to sit and talk through the larger implications of these questions. Mostly, my thoughts remain my thoughts.

*****

This morning, he walks by my classroom carrying a large box. “Christmas lights!” he calls out delightedly. And even though he has interrupted my class, even though he is too loud, and he shouldn’t be in the hallway, I call back, “I love it!” and I give him a big smile.

Here is where we grow

School doesn’t start for at least half an hour, but I’m already letting two students into my classroom because one of them thinks she left her vest here yesterday, and ninth graders often move in pairs. As I jiggle the key in the lock, a large figure lumbers up behind us.

 “Oh!” I smile, “I heard a rumour that you passed your Civics class!”

He lurches to a halt in the near-empty hallway and glares at me. My key finally turns, opening the door just as he leans forward and breathes, “I cheated on all my tests” – only he says “testes” and, their eyes wide, the girls practically tumble into the classroom. He shuffles away.

In the room, the lost vest is retrieved and then, in a significantly more graceful echo of what just happened, one child leans towards me and murmurs, “Why would he say that?”

My mind clicks backwards through the moment, and I realize what they think just happened. “He was embarrassed,” I reassure them, “because I gave him a compliment. Some people have a hard time being praised. He did not cheat on his tests.” I emphasize the word tests.

They nod, unconvinced, and head into the hallway just as he returns. They flee. He stops again and looks me up and down. “Do you still have that box?”

I know exactly what he’s talking about. “Oh, yes!” I feign distraction as I move to the front corner of the room. The box he wants is hidden under a desk. “I was just wondering if maybe I should get rid of it,”  I pause, “but if you really did pass Civics, I suppose you could get a prize.”

He squints his eyes. “Two.”

“Hmm…” I pretend to consider this. “Well, first I need to know if you cheated on any tests.”

He glances around, wary. No one is nearby. “No,” he admits, and I swear I see a bit of a blush on his cheeks, but I could be making that up.

For the next fifteen minutes, he rummages through my “Box of Terrible Prizes.” He holds up various items, considering. He tells me which things are still there from last year (hint: it’s most of them), and I remind him that they really are terrible prizes. Undeterred, he checks out tchotchkes and useless plastic toys. He asks more than once if I have anything that makes noise. I do not. He points out prizes that he brought in for trades. Eventually, I remind him that class will start soon, so he makes his choice. Two prizes. No noisemakers. Delighted, toys in hand, he shuffles out of the room, leaving me aglow.

******

Last year, when he was in grade 9, I taught him. Well, “taught” might be a bit of an exaggeration. Last year, we were in the same classroom and sometimes he kind of did English-y things. Often, he was rude to me and others. Sometimes he was very rude. By the end of the school year, even after he’d left my class, every time he saw me in the hallways, he sneered things like, “Oh. It’s you. I hate seeing you,” or “Seeing you makes my day awful.” I am embarrassed to admit that, eventually, I let this make me angry. 

Sure, I had read his school records and communicated with his middle school teachers, so I knew he needed a lot of time and stability to settle into a place. I knew his IEP and had read all his old report cards, but he drove me up a wall. I wasn’t alone; few teachers connected with him. I couldn’t imagine how his middle school teachers had been able to find what they confidently called his “sense of humour.” All I saw was an angry young man.

One thing about a school, though, is that it’s full of kids – and kids grow. And, whether we like it or not, we’re all sort of stuck there together for a few years while they do this. He is lucky to have a Resource room full of people who have kept an open mind about his growth. I will argue that I am luckier that he kept an open mind about me – or maybe he never quite realized that I was actually angry. And I’m lucky that those same colleagues have helped me see him more clearly, too. 

*****

This morning, I realize that I get his humour now: I laugh as he moans and groans about the quality of my terrible prizes; I snicker when he tells me that I need more, and that I’m clearly not giving out enough prizes – maybe this year’s grade nines aren’t as good as he was. I fake exasperation when he lingers as my 12th graders come in, and he scowls when I make him leave, but he’s here. He’s still here. And here is where we grow.

Once an English teacher…

The first hint was on page 194. Blue ink.

I was a little startled. I mean, this is a trashy romance. The main characters murmur and gaze longingly. I was enjoying the story, but I wasn’t exactly on the lookout for grammar errors; in fact, I’d consciously decided to overlook some of them. And yet…

“As if”? I nearly laughed. This is my fellow reader’s quibble? I mentally shrugged, then moved on. Until it happened again. And again. And again. Someone had taken her blue pen to the novel and fixed “like” – and only “like” – a dozen times throughout the novel.

Wait. I lie. Once, she fixed a typo. Indeed.

I imagine her reading along, overlooking the missed subjunctive, ignoring the diction (minx!), letting the anachronisms lie… and then she hits her limit… “like.” She shudders. She thinks of the years she spent in the classroom, teaching students when to use “like” and when to use “as if.” She thinks of endless hours of grading essays, the constant battle against the demise of the English language. Her fingers tingle, and before she knows it, she has a pen – because of course she always has a pen nearby – in her hand, and she has made the correction.

Once she’s started, she cannot stop. The pen is uncapped, the errors egregious – at least in her eyes. Surreptitiously at first, then with greater and greater glee, she fixes the error each time it appears. As the novel climaxes in a crescendo of smouldering looks and husky moans, with one final flourish, she amends the typo in indeed and, triumphant, re-caps her pen. The world is now a little more orderly.

The next day, chastely, she returns the book to the library. Maybe she glances about as she slips the book into the returns slot; maybe she holds her head high, firm in the knowledge that she is right.

One way or another, I got double the pleasure out of book two of Julia Quinn’s Bridgerton series: trashy romance, and proof that English teachers never really leave the classroom.

Just 15 minutes

Once again, I forgot it was Tuesday. This is odd because yesterday I knew that today was Tuesday, and, frankly, today I knew it, too. I had planned to write something last night, but then I didn’t because… I can’t remember, but there was a very good reason. This morning I even set aside some writing time, but then the supplies we ordered came in, so I had to check what we received against what we ordered (vaguely similar) and distribute them to various teachers, then I had to set up a new booking system so that we can get the 95ish Chromebooks distributed fairly to the 30ish teachers who want them for various classes (no, the math doesn’t math there). Anyway, one thing led to another and then it was after work and now it’s 8:45 and I haven’t written my Slice of Life.

Recently, when I’ve found myself in this position, I’ve thrown up my hands and decided to put things off until “next week,” but this week my students have essays due, and I have this nagging sense that if they have to write and publish then I should probably write and publish. So here I am.

Part of the reason I lost track of time (and the day of the week – I even missed my knitting group!) is because I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with about 15 minutes of class time tomorrow. The original plan was for the grade 12 students to share their This I Believe essays in a sort of “desk exhibit” – they were going to walk around and read each other’s essays & leave positive comments on post-it notes. BUT… today’s lesson involved a peer feedback protocol that worked so well that quite a few students have some serious edits to make. Given our lack of Chromebooks combined with student jobs and after-school commitments, tomorrow needs to involve a little time to tidy up their writing in class, so the gallery walk will happen on Thursday. They do not, however, need 75 minutes (the length of our classes) to edit, or even 60 minutes (after 15 minutes of daily reading), or even 45 minutes. I figure we need a maximum of 30 minutes of editing time. This means that I need to create a tiny lesson – just 15 minutes – to bridge us from reading and writing narrative arguments to learning about rhetorical analysis and using that with popular culture.

Here is where being a teacher gets weird: I know what we’ve done, and I know where I want us to go; I also know the information I need to share, and I know the students. This lesson should be simple – just, you know, teach. Instead, I’ve spent at least an hour looking at videos and slide shows, thinking about the right way to present the topic so that students are interested and engaged. I need something that intrigues students and is memorable. This will be the first peek at something that we won’t really start until Monday (because essays, PD day, the weekend…) I want this to hook some specific students. I want them to have something to think about. Come Monday, I want them curious.

So do I read them a picture book by Jacqueline Woodson? Do I show them a video about a soccer team in Thailand – one that turns out to be an ad? Or maybe I show a brief interview with Simon Sinek about the power of stories? What stories matter? Why do we care? Who is telling these stories? To whom? For what purpose? Thomas King says, “The truth about stories is that that’s all we are” – I need a fifteen-minute something to start them down the path to believing that. 

I bet I can find it if I think about it for just a few more minutes…

Why read?

It’s the second week of classes, and we’re all slowly settling in to the familiar rhythms of school. In grade 12 English, we’re already reading our second short mentor text for our narrative argument unit. (This is a new unit for me; I wanted something a little different from the personal essay, and here we are.) Today we read a This I Believe essay called “The Power of Hello” by Howard White. I didn’t know who White was (former basketball player, VP at Nike) until I read this, but I loved his message “that every single person deserves to be acknowledged, however small or simple the greeting” so his was an easy essay to choose as a mentor text for the class.

Before we got to the text, however, I paused to ask the students why they think we are still teaching reading and writing in an age of AI. Reading was the easier sell. If you google “Why is reading important?” – which I do every semester – there are pages and pages of hits. I like to summarize them by saying, “Reading makes us smarter, kinder, richer and a better date.” (The better date is because reading can improve conversational skills – who knew? Well, I mean, besides me and the internet.) Lots of students nodded their heads and sort of looked like they agreed, and for today that was enough. We’ll come back to this when they need to remember why I’m pushing for a high volume of reading.

Writing, on the other hand, seemed less important to many students. While one student straight out said, “writing is thinking” plenty of students looked less than convinced. And I get it – though I disagree. Words work for me; for others, this is less true. When I try to sketch something, I am often significantly less successful at communicating. If I needed to show my thinking through movement, I would, I suspect, often fail. Too often, students have only ever written for a grade. I can’t fix that, but I can try to help them understand that words have power that they can harness with practice. I’ve got a whole semester to make my case.

Because of this brief class discussion, reading and writing were on my mind when I saw a woman with a stroller stopped on the sidewalk ahead of me. I wasn’t actively thinking about Howard White’s essay and the power of saying hello, but his words must have been somewhere in the back of my mind because I very consciously registered the scene: a young woman with a baby strapped to her front and a toddler between her legs, hanging off the stroller. She was stopped awkwardly in the middle of the sidewalk, and the toddler was twisting and turning just enough that I knew she wasn’t watching him. I said hello.

“Hi. Um, there’s something in my eye,” she said. “A bug flew in there. I can’t really see.”

In fact, her eye was watering. The baby wasn’t just in a carrier, they were nursing, and the toddler was close to tipping the stroller over. The mother looked just a tiny bit frantic.

“I could look at your eye…?” My voice trailed off into a question. It’s an oddly intimate offer – here, stranger, let me look at your eyeball – but she took me up on it immediately.

I didn’t see a bug, and now her eye was watering with tears? irritation from the bug? “I can really feel it. Can you look again?”

And there it was! A tiny black spot. I reached toward her face and swiped the critter to the edge of her eyelid; she did the rest. “Oh, thank God. Thank you. Thank you so much for stopping.”

I told her, of course, that it was nothing – because it was. Just one mom helping another on the sidewalk at the end of the day. Just a tiny interaction between two people who happened to cross paths. She won’t remember it by tomorrow morning; she may be so tired that she has already forgotten.

But I wonder… would I have noticed her if we hadn’t read that essay in class? Maybe White’s belief that everyone deserves to be acknowledged primed me to actually see her. Maybe the fact that he wrote his small story and shared it helped one human reach out to help another. Maybe now that I’m writing this, I will remember to do this again. Maybe you will read this and you, too, will help someone. Maybe this will happen even if you forget that you read this. 

This, I believe, is why we write and why we read. I think I’ll share it with my students.

September Looms

I gave myself the summer off, mostly. From blogging, from prepping for classes, from worrying about who can or cannot read and what needs to change or stay the same. I tried to actually relax – or at least not to be actively stressed. I attend zero conferences. I abandoned books I didn’t like. I didn’t plan a big family trip. I hung out with friends and family and quit Twitter. Overall, I think I did ok. 

I still have a week left before school starts, so this morning I rolled out of bed and plopped almost directly into our oversized beanbag to read a little of Jhumpa Lahiri’s Whereabouts. Instead of immersing myself in the story, however, I found myself wondering if I could finish it and return it to the library today, another item checked off the before-school to-do list that’s already filling up. My mind gleefully got into the go-getter groove, and soon I was listing as much as I was reading. Gah! Not what I had wanted.

I tried to shake off the looming lists and plans. I tried to read one more short chapter, but Hera – our cat – was having none of it. She scaled the back of the bean bag and dragged her tongue across my cheek. Skritch. Then she did it again. She clambered onto my chest, batted down the book, and looked me in the eyes. I knew she was right: time for tea and then into school to set up the classroom.

So I got up, neither fully relaxed nor fully tense, and lumbered down the stairs towards September.