Drivel #SOLC26 25/31

I need to write. Yesterday I only posted a picture. I mean, it was a good picture, but a picture nonetheless, which is only sort of a slice of life – though now that I’m thinking about it, a daily picture as a slice of life would be interesting, too. But that’s not this challenge, so today I have to write. It’s March 25. Only six days left in this challenge. I’m not going to stop now.

It’s just that last night I was so tired that I fell asleep right after work and  slept for 12 hours – even though March Break just ended two days ago, so technically I should be refreshed. And today I could have done the same, but that seemed  a bit over the top, so I’ve made myself stay awake, eyes at half mast.

It’s just that today was busy at school because we’re running the Literacy Test – which is always oddly confusing despite arriving at predictable intervals and being largely the same every time. And Wednesdays my student teacher is at school and I like to, you know, actually spend some time with her so she learns stuff.

It’s just that today is the chaos class, and even though they’re *much* better after our pre-March Break – ahem – discussion, they still require a lot of attention in order to make it through a full class with any sort of learning.

It’s just that after school the dog wanted an extra long walk because the weather is getting nice, and Mr. 15 needed an extra kick-in-the-pants to finish his work because, well, he’s 15, and my spouse needed extra support because his work is tough right now. 

It’s just that yesterday was a Heads Meeting and tomorrow is Teacher-Caregiver Conferences and it seems that there is always so much to do, even though I swear my to-do list gets longer every day. When do teachers mark student work? I no longer know.

At any rate, this may be drivel but it is written – and written is at least something. Maybe tomorrow I will write something better – but not tonight.

Quiet #SOLC26 18/31

Part of the magic of writing a daily slice of life is that I’m forced to notice small moments every day, and – somewhat less obviously – allowed to reflect. The noticing is clear: whether I’m writing about something that happened that day or stumbling across a memory that has sudden relevance, I pause to collect the moment and then provide structure via words. In this way, writing is an attempt to capture and share an impression. Writing also shapes the moment, insisting on a start and an end, a form, the importance of some details over others, and an expected or desired effect. As I shape each moment, writing gives me a slender sense of control by ordering my thoughts and making moments into stories. Anything can be a slice of life because I can notice it and fit it into my own understanding of who I am or am not. When I capture these moments, I affirm my identity.

I can imagine writing daily moments and leaving them unconnected – loose beads, rolling on the basement floor – but that’s not my experience with this month. Instead, at some point, I start to pick up those written beads and string them together in new ways. I recognize that one moment is temporally distant from another, but as I shape my larger story, I examine them and mentally place them together. The more I write, the more patterns I can create with my captured moments. I can see myself in different ways. The more I read other blogs and comment on them, the more I am able to understand which patterns are universal (or at least universal to educators) and which are personal.

Somehow the hurried pace of March, the steady march, if you will, of write, read, comment, read, comment, read, comment, write – and my sense that I cannot keep up, can never keep up (have I missed your blog? I’m so sorry. I wanted to read it. When did I stop responding to comments on my blog? I apologize. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate them.) In the rush, March becomes an exercise in looking for ideas, of looking at what I’ve already written, of restringing the moments. In other words, amidst the chaos, I reflect.

Every year at the end of March people reflect on the month. I get double the reflection time since March Break always happens in, well, March. Here, in this third week, while I’m away from my normal routine, the noise of the school year and my family life and even my writing quiets. Sometimes the quiet is fleeting, but it’s almost always there. 

20 seconds of calm

Today, I am in my favourite place in the world: my aunt and uncle’s cottage on the North side of Grand Cayman. Familiar with the comfort of this place, I allow myself to relax more readily than I might elsewhere. The boys I’m accompanying are at the beach and I am alone. The breeze shushes through the trees, the birds call – grackle, mockingbird, dove – and, from the nearby pool, children shriek in delight. I am no longer the mother of shrieking children. My mind wanders as I sift through the memories, the slices of life that come up. I am a newly minted teenager, exploring the island, spending hours with my sisters, draped over a raft in this very bay, astonished at the giant starfish. That night, my aunt and my mother will rub soothing aloe into our badly burned backs; as an adult, I check my back regularly for signs of skin cancer. I am a high school senior on her first solo trip with her best friend. Driving on the wrong side of the road, listening to the soundtrack from Cocktail, thinking Tom Cruise is sexy, wishing we were Elisabeth Shue. While Kokomo and Don’t Worry, Be Happy blast from our tinny speakers, I feel both sexy and mature – though I am neither – in my strapless blue and bathing suit with a ruffle across the bust and a cut-out back. Now I watch my younger sister get married on the beach as my grandfather wipes away tears, and today I glide over the jealousy I felt back then, choosing to remember instead that my uncle noticed and took me out for secret drinks afterwards, reminding me that he and my aunt met when they were a bit older and had (have) a strong happy marriage. I am here with friends, and as a newlywed, then, later, snorkeling while pregnant and then again with my firstborn, who enthusiastically eats sand, and my second, who does the same. I am here with another family as we watch our older children create a scavenger hunt for the younger ones and we play games on the porch. I am here and here and here. I have written these moments in my journals, captured them in photographs, published them on this blog. 

What moments have I forgotten? Which have I chosen not to share today? Why not mention the Olympic swimmer I met here (ahem) or the time we forgot to defrost the turkey before what must have been Christmas dinner? The way my dad never really did get along with my aunt or the times my sisters and I fought? The time we met a celebrity on a snorkel trip and invited her over? Swimming with turtles and stingrays and dolphins? Being stung by jellyfish or cut by coral? 

Today, in this quiet, I string together moments of comfortable happiness. I know from what I’ve written this month that my mind and memory need this. There will be a time for exploring new places, for highs and lows, for petty jealousies and wild ecstasies. But for today I am content with the quiet of this story and this storytelling. I know that I have plenty of moments to string into different patterns another time.

When I write, I become more conscious of the stories I tell myself about who I am – and I am better for it.

Interrupted #SOLC26 17/31

A few days ago on Ethical ELA’s monthly poetry Open Write, I read a prompt that suggested we play with the idea of interruptions. I immediately thought it was a great idea, so I have been catching up on the series Lincoln Lawyer which two of my friends from college recommended, and I find it so compelling that I often end up watching right into another episode because boy do those writers understand the power of a cliffhanger, and, while Cayman doesn’t have any cliffs, the boys I’m with hopped out of the car tonight to look “over the edge” of the ocean (behind the grocery store where we’d stopped for more eggs – even though they’ve managed to eat 3 ½ dozen in two days; I suppose that’s less shocking if I tell you there are five of them and they are all 17 or 18 years old, but it is still a lot of eggs, and let me tell you, eggs are not something I have a lot of anymore (thank you, menopause), but aside from the fact that I can’t seem to follow even my own train of thought anymore, it’s really not so bad) and what was I going to say – don’t go look at the ocean when obviously the ocean is what we’re here to look at or, more to the point, to go in, and we are all happy that we don’t have to go in to school this week so we really might as well take advantage – which I think we did today because we swam with turtles and walked on the white sand beach and spent time with family and every time I thought I might have a minute to write I was wrong – interruptions abounded so here I am, writing at 11:15pm but I am getting it done because that is part of the deal and since the boys are dealing cards downstairs I’m going to shut the bedroom door and go to sleep or, if menopause rears her head, maybe watch Lincoln Lawyer but just for one episode, I swear.

Excuses #SOLC26 1/31

Might as well get these out of the way on Day 1.

I’m not ready for this month. I haven’t prepared topics or set aside time. I’m still in the middle of the book I meant to finish before March, and it’s due at the library, so I need to prioritize that. I didn’t manage to finish marking all those essays I swore I’d finish before the March challenge started, and now I might never find the time… or at least not until April. The students will suffer.

I’ll never have time to comment on as many other posts as I want to. I might miss someone. I’ll miss my “regular” blog buddies. What if my comments are boring? What if I don’t say enough? I should spend time on my students, not these random teachers I’ve never even meant. How is this useful? Why am I even doing this?

I’ve already learned everything I needed to learn from writing every day – this is indulgent – or time-consuming – or something. My partner calls this “Hell month” then, when I object, he threatens to record me saying how much I love this month and play it back to me on, say, March 25th. I glare at him. Writing every day just to prove my partner wrong is probably the wrong motivation.

I forgot to write and now it’s late at night. It’s too personal. It’s not personal enough. I don’t have anything new to say. I don’t have anything to say. Who wants to read this anyway? This piece stinks. I’m not a writer. I think I actually hate everything I’ve ever written. 

What if ________ reads this? What if no one reads this? What if everyone reads this?

What if I’m no good? What if I’m too much? What if I’m not enough? What if I mess up?

What if I do this? What if I write? What if I enjoy myself? What if writing is fun? What if I find a community that lifts me up? What if this is just what I need?

I’ve done this before; I’m ready; this is just what I need. March, I’ve been waiting for you. 31 posts in 31 days. I’ve got this.

Is it AI?

“Miss!” my student wailed, “my story is showing up as AI on all the checkers, but it’s not AI. I swear I wrote it!”

Forgive me if I immediately doubted her. The story was due that day and, from what I could tell, she’d spent at least as much time in class playing on her phone under her desk as she had actually writing. I also knew that she was very grades-driven, often sharing her results with friends as they measured their success and, I think, some of their self-worth by the numbers on their assignments. Others in the class might value learning over grades, but with her… I wasn’t sure.

Her friend made a face. “I hate those AI checkers,” she muttered, and she glared at me, as if daring me to say that her friend’s work might be faked. I knew she had just gone through a big blow up with another teacher over work that was flagged as AI. She had been extremely upset and threatened to drop the class (which would have harmed her far more than the teacher). Her guidance counsellor, her friends and I had talked her down, but it had been a near-run thing. And honestly? I figured she probably had used AI and was just mad that she got caught. Again, a nice kid, but very grade-focused.

I pulled up the first student’s story and glanced at it. My heart sank. The first paragraph was really good. “Don’t worry,” I said, even though I was worried, “I’ll check over your process work and trust that over machines.”

Her body relaxed with relief, and she slid into her seat. Her friend huffed again. “I wish every teacher would do that.” I wondered if I was being taken for a ride. 

What is this constant battle doing to us? I thought, and not for the first time. I hate that dashes – something I’ve spent years teaching students to use well – now make me suspicious. I hate that excellent work now immediately has me turning to AI checkers even though they are wildly unreliable. I hate that I spend time doubting my students’ integrity. The constant suspicion is eroding something in me, eating away at some social contract that I’m not willing to give up.

Last year, my own child’s teacher told the class which AI checkers she was going to use and what percentage of “probably AI” was acceptable. (Was it 12%? 8? Is it weird that some percentage is ok? And that we don’t know what that percentage is?) My child largely did his own writing, although as I helped him, I realized that avoiding AI entirely for his generation is not unlike my generation avoiding plagiarism entirely: there are surprisingly complex layers to it. Still, he did the work: researched and wrote, wrote and researched. Then, he put his writing through the AI checker, and it invariably came back as more AI than was acceptable. His solution? He put his work through a “humanizer” AI until the AI detector showed that it was human. 

I couldn’t decide if I should laugh or cry.

After school, I opened up the story that my student may or may not have written. The first paragraph really was excellent, but part way through, I started to see some pretty typical errors – little punctuation mistakes, wording that read like a 17-year-old rather than a computer. Still, just to be safe, I used a couple of AI checkers. They were all over the place. Useless. I checked her version history and her early drafts. Everything I had suggested that this was her work, so I proceeded with that in mind.

Still, I wonder what we lose as we learn the steps to this new, complex dance. Time, for sure. My students (and my child) check their work in various checkers, humanize their work and then turn it in. Then we teachers check the work in various checkers, look at version histories or keystroke trackers and grade it. Every minute we spend using these machines is time we could have spent writing or giving feedback or talking. We also lose a sense of trust – the students no longer trust themselves and heaven knows teachers don’t trust them. I have accused students of using AI who maybe haven’t, and I’ve definitely missed some who have. That, too, is a problem because the bar for acceptable writing is changing. I recently found some of my old college papers, and I don’t want to shock you, but they were imperfect. Now students have spellcheck and grammar checks, and enough kids are able to submit work that is AI enhanced that it’s easy for teachers to expect higher levels of “correctness” than are, perhaps, reasonable. It’s easy to get used to the glib, polished prose that AI generates and to see that as the goal even when we know that it’s not.

And what of my student? Was I influenced by my early concerns as I graded her story? I hope not, but it can be hard to let go of that early whiff of “cheating.” I think I did right by her, but I know I took on some mental load to do that. It’s all so much.

I have more to say about this, but I’m still typing largely one-handed because of my stupid broken wrist – and I’m not using AI to make up for my injury, so it will have to wait for next week. For what it’s worth, her story wasn’t perfect, but it was interesting and emotional. She got an A.

The Colles Fracture

In the late 1770s or, more likely, the early 1780s, young Abraham Colles is said to have found an anatomic textbook floating in the river Nore in Kilkenny, Ireland. Apparently the river had flooded, and the local physician’s textbook had been carried away only to arrive, fortuitously, in Abraham’s hands. Abraham tried to return the book, but Dr. Butler gifted it to him, and thus was born a great physician.

In 1790 Abraham and his brother William enrolled in Trinity College in Dublin.  At the same time Abraham became an apprentice at  Dr Steevens’ Hospital. When he wasn’t working or studying Abraham could be found sleeping in dark corners of the hospital, perhaps not unlike medical students today who snooze where they can. Once he had finished his degree in Dublin, Abraham moved to Edinburgh where he trained as a graduate student at what was perhaps the best medical school of the time. He graduated from Edinburgh in 1797. From there, stories tell us that he walked to London, a journey of 10 to 14 days.

***

While I have never walked from one place to another for 14 entire days, I have walked every day but one for 2029 days in a row. I started walking daily during the pandemic.  A friend suggested a challenge to walk every day from Victoria Day to Labour Day, in part to combat the malaise of those pandemic days. From Labour Day we pushed to Thanksgiving then Christmas and soon our goal became a year of daily walking. After a year, seeing no reason to stop, we continued. And so it went. I walked after work and sometimes in the neighbourhoods around work if I had to stay late. I walked while travelling and while on vacation. I walked through good weather, but also through rain and, in the middle of Canadian winters, through snow and even ice. Walking, in many ways, became part of who I am.

***

After his walk to London, Abraham Colles worked on dissections with the well-known doctor, Astley Cooper. From there, he returned to Dublin and was elected as a member of the Royal College of Surgeons. He was a practicing doctor and beloved professor who published three books and over a dozen surgical papers. 

As a physician, Dr. Colles was particularly devoted to the importance of dissection. He wanted to show his students “the connection between anatomical structures of each part and the surgical diseases and operations to which it is subject.” To this end, he was known to dissect for up to two hours a day and he kept careful records of what he found. 

There’s a lot more to his career, of course, but what’s interesting to me is that all of this careful observation led to Dr Colles’ name being given to a particular fascia, a ligament, and a fracture. In 1814, decades before x-rays came into use, Dr. Colles published a paper about the characteristic “dinner fork” formation of the fracture and showed ways to treat it. Colles fractures usually occur after a person falls onto an outstretched hand*. We often call a Colles fracture a broken wrist, but it is truly a break at the end of the radius bone near the wrist. They are among the most common fractures seen in emergency rooms.

A “fall onto an outstretched hand” is so common that it’s known in Emergency Rooms by the acronym FOOSH. I find this acronym particularly apt as it imitates the sound that happens when you fall. In a way this is an onomatopoeic acronym that causes a fracture which is, itself, an eponym. This is oddly satisfying.

***

I missed one day of walking during those 2029 days because I was truly sick. While my streak had ended, I felt better the next day, so I went out and started walking again. I’d gotten used to it. My daily walks had given me new awareness of the things around me. I now noticed changing flowers and leaves, the way the ice froze in different patterns in the winter, and how the world changed day by day. Somehow observing made me feel more connected to the world and to myself.

But on Sunday morning, my observations of ice and my connection to the world didn’t prevent me from slipping and falling on a patch of ice hidden under the snow. FOOSH! I went down hard, and even though I’m fully an adult, I cried when I landed. After a few minutes, a woman who had been standing across the street wandered over, cigarette in hand, and asked, “you okay?” I very clearly was not.

She seemed vaguely sympathetic but disinclined to help, so I pulled myself up using my left hand on the stop sign next to me. I limped back to my house, tears still in my eyes, holding my right hand against my chest. There, I realized that for the first time in some years, I was home alone: My spouse and older child were visiting universities; my youngest was out with friends. I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t badly injured, but I didn’t need to have years of dissection work under my belt to know that my hand did not look normal. I called an ambulance.

The paramedics were as gentle as possible. Given the prevalence of this sort of break, they must have seen it a hundred times before, so I think they knew. When I finally talked to a doctor, he told me that not only did I break my wrist, I “super broke” my wrist: the X-ray at the hospital revealed that I had sustained the fracture that Abraham Colles identified well over 100 years ago.

The good news is that, while I will need surgery and then have a cast for six weeks, I should heal well. The bad news is that it hurts. And, while I have taken advantage of this injury to show my creative writing students how to write an essay in the style of John Green’s Anthropocene Reviewed I have had to dictate the whole thing and have learned that I do not like dictating essays. 

I am impressed with Abraham Colles work and grateful to the medical professionals who are treating me. Nevertheless, I give the Colles fracture one star. 

Storytelling

“We all have stories to tell,” I say to my Creative Writing class. “We tell stories all the time. We swim in them.” I draw their attention to the Thomas King quote I’ve put in our Google Classroom: “The truth about stories is that that’s all we are.”

Students bob their heads up and down. They are nodding, but they are also wary. After all, we’re starting our “Narrative” unit, and they know they will soon be writing “a story” that they will have to share with others. This is terrifying.

I have been where they are, I tell them, so I am confident that they are brimming with stories – both real and imagined. To prove this, we do an inside/outside activity (also known as concentric circles) – two circles of students, facing each other – and tell each other stories for nearly half the class. A time I was embarrassed, a time I felt proud, a wonderful gift I received or gave... The classroom is alive with voices and laughter. Stories fill the air; we are joyous.

“The stories we tell define who we are,” I say afterward, and I believe it. Then we try to capture some of what we’ve just said, to put our voices on paper. The mood in the room changes. I write, too. It’s hard.

Some days, I write quotations on the board:

“The most powerful person in the world is the storyteller.” – Steve Jobs

Even as I scrawl the words on the chalkboard – in yellow or white or pink – I am telling myself secret stories about my own writing, about my own power. At first, I don’t notice these subconscious stories. I write all the time, I think. I am, after all, writing nearly every day. I jot down ideas in random places and tell my students that I am collecting story kernels and poem fragments. I write in front of my students: I start poems and essays; I leave them half-finished to “show my process.” The students have (mostly) turned in their poetry assignments. My best poem sits, unfinished, covered with notes and nudges. I tuck it away.

Meanwhile, Monday evenings come and go. I tell myself that I’m too tired to write anything up, that I will write tomorrow. By Tuesday evening, I tell myself that it’s too late to publish a “Slice of Life” on the Two Writing Teachers blog (my writing haven). I tell myself I’ve missed the window this week, that no one will want to read this late. I will write next week.

Weeks pass. I think that I am not writing in public because I am busy or bored or boring. I think that I have already written about this or talked too much about that. I whisper to myself that a particular story is “not mine to tell” or “will get me in trouble” though I don’t know what for or by whom. One day, I manage to catch hold of a thought as it darts through my mind; almost immediately, its brethren make themselves known: not good enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough, everyone knows this, too many people are reading this, not enough people are reading this…

Ah! Well. I give myself a little lecture about writer’s block and allow myself a little laugh about having been here before. Then I set myself a writing deadline – which I happily ignore. But my self-imposed deadline doesn’t disappear. Instead, it lingers in odd places, growing bolder: “Your students have turned something in,” it says, “why do *you* get to skip writing?” “Writing is reflecting,” it cajoles, “and reflecting makes for good teaching.” “This won’t get easier,” it scolds. 

Finally, today – Tuesday, not Monday – in class, not at home, I cave. I ink the word WRITE in my calendar. I come home, play games on my phone, do a little training with the dog, chat with the children, tidy… and then I make myself say the thing out loud, even if it’s under my breath.

“I am a writer.”

And I write.

After all, “We become the stories we tell ourselves.” – Michael Cunningham

Next week, I will write again.

The student (prose poem)

April is Poetry Month, so I’ve been occasionally stopping over at EthicalELA to participate in Verse love and write some poetry. The people who write there are incredibly supportive, which encourages me to keep playing even though writing poetry intimidates me. Today’s prompt suggested writing a prose poem (a poem that looks like a paragraph but reads, somehow, like poetry), something which has fascinated me for a few years now – ever since I discovered Nicole Stellon O’Donnell’s book of poems You Are No Longer In Trouble – specifically, the poem “Marriage,” which makes me giggle. Here, see what I mean:

Marriage

The rash of weddings at recess continued until Mrs. Provencher had to give a talk. You are third graders. You cannot be married. Parents had called to express their concerns. The margarine tubs full of violets in your desk were bouquets and the flower girls had carried them, stems pressed into foil pilfered from the kitchen drawer. She can say what she wants, but you were married to Doug M. all those years ago, bound by asphalt promises over the screech of the swings’ metal chains.

Margaret Simon suggested that we use Marci Calabretta Cancio-Bello’s prose poem, The Houseguest as a model and personify an emotion, so I gave it a go. Here’s what I wrote.

The student

Curiosity pops into your classroom before the first bell. You are writing the date on the blackboard – neatly, in the upper right-hand corner, in cursive. You finish, then place the chalk in its tray. Next, you connect the cord to your computer then cast about for the remote control. Curiosity discovers it over near the bookshelves and brings it to you. You continue your morning routine, aware that Curiosity is watching: straighten the student desks; sift through the papers. You want to settle in, but Curiosity has found the magnetic poetry in the back corner and is busy creating crude verses – and cackling. You hesitate, trapped in the fun house mirror as you pretend not to watch Curiosity who is pretending not to watch you. Should you interrupt the word play? Stop the game? Once, you would have sidled up next to Curiosity and, snickering, added an “s” to “as”. Once, you would have scrawled the verse on the walls in permanent marker. Once, you would have grabbed Curiosity’s wrist and run out of the classroom before the bell, after you had both arrived early. Today, you quietly allow Curiosity to continue writing poetry.

I Can Do Hard Things #SOLC25 31/31

Not for the first time this month, I nearly forgot to write. Tonight seems egregious, since it’s the last post of the March Challenge, but there it is. I’m the mom who would forget to leave the house with a spare diaper, even with the second baby – even when the second baby was over a year old. Apparently I have trouble forming new habits.

Of course, part of the reason I almost forgot to write is that I’ve been thinking about this post for a while. Wrapping up a month’s worth of daily writing and publishing is definitely part of the challenge, and this year is no different. I’ve been trying to put into words what I’ve learned this time around, or at least what I experienced. In my head, I’m close to knowing; in writing, I’m a little farther away from conclusions.

This March, I’ve sort of shoehorned writing in around other things. Some years I feel like it’s been more central to the month; this year it’s been more part of the fabric of my days. Predictably, some days have been tough, but mostly I had something to say when I sat down to write. As usual, I feel that I haven’t commented on nearly enough blogs, and I’m missing reading some of my “regulars.” I’ve come to recognize that this is ok.

Mostly, this March has been a reminder that I can do hard things – and I’m allowed to do them in a way that works for me. Write in the evening instead of in the morning? I can do that. Some days comment on only three or four other blogs? I can do that, too. Write a two-sentence post? Sure. Or use almost all pictures? Ok. Heck, accidentally post about extremely similar dinner conversations in the space of three days? Go for it. This month I have forgiven myself over and over for things that, as it turns out, others don’t even notice. Who knew that writing every day would help me continue to shed the shoulds that have governed my life for so long.

Tonight, I went to a class at my gym that I have never tried before. It “includes a little more intensity and choreography than our usual.” Since I can barely keep up with the “usual,” I wasn’t sure that I was making a good choice, but I did it anyway. I had to stop a few times, and for one entire “choreo” track, I gave up and just did my own basic steps. No one cared and I got a great workout. Once I got home, I had to wait a while to stop sweating – which is part of why I nearly forgot to write. The whole thing was more than my usual, but I can still feel the buzz of energy from having finished.

March is like that: it’s more than my usual, but the buzz – from the writing, from the community, from the challenge – lingers long afterwards, and it’s totally worth it. 

See you on Tuesdays! (Um, yes, that’s tomorrow.)