It was obviously something I ate. I mean, usually I’m as inoffensive as the next person, but last night as I was marking student infographics, I knew something was not quite right. Still, I told myself that I was probably imagining that it was worse than it really was. I was wrong.
While our family snuggled together to watch a show, it happened again, and this time there was no pretending: one of my children turned and grimaced, “MOM! That’s disgusting! SOOOO stinky.” He waved his hand in front of his nose and disentangled himself from my legs. The other child got a whiff and added, “Yeah, silent but deadly. Gross.”
Surely, I told myself, this would – ahem – pass quickly. Surely in the morning all would be well and I would proceed to school smelling practically of flowers.
Alas, morning brought no relief. My body was clearly expressing its disapproval of yesterday’s food choices. I tried to control the emissions, but I was stuck with stink.
There is no worse fate for a school teacher: you can call it flatulence or passing gas or breaking wind, but one way or another, enthusiastically stinky farts are a classroom problem, and not one I usually face. As a former Southerner (though maybe never quite a Southern belle), I was already horrified. This, my friends, is not ladylike. I quickly opened a search engine and typed “How to stop stinky f…” Google filled in the rest. There was plenty of advice, and I took some comfort in knowing that I was not alone, but there was no quick solution. I was going to have to make it through this disaster as best as I could.
I made a plan. First, while our school is just as poorly ventilated as any other school, we were expecting unusually nice weather. I could open the windows – and both classroom doors – under the guise of Covid prevention. Then, though the students’ desks are nowhere near two metres apart, *I* am two metres from them. Distance = dilution. Finally, I could use masks to my advantage. I reasoned that they would surely, um, mask the smell. This was a dilemma I could deal with.
And I did. By the time the first hour ended my tummy had settled and the danger had, well, passed. Still, I think I’ll be extra careful about dinner tonight. Wouldn’t you?
This was the most delightful post that I’ve read today! Masterful use of humour and word play and vulnerability – I just wonder if your students plan on reading this.
LikeLike
Hooray – I felt like funny today. Heehee
LikeLiked by 1 person
“stuck with the stink” – my favorite line. I’m a garlic fan, so this one really got me. It is nice to know we aren’t alone in processing stink. I love that your kids dropped the SBD accusation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I loved your word play. Thank you so much for making me chuckle!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HA! Thanks for the laugh!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bless you for sharing the humor of the moment. I love how you’ve drawn us in, let us partake in both your embarrassment and your soldiering on. Well done on all counts!
LikeLike
“distance = dilution” đŸ˜‚đŸ˜‚đŸ˜‚ Loved your slice! When I was still teaching, I would just go stand behind the piano and act like I totally planned using it right at that moment in the lesson đŸ¤£
LikeLike
Haha. This was clever and honest and a joy to read.
LikeLike
Best post I’ve read in a long time! đŸ™‚
LikeLike
How honest! Had a good laugh!
LikeLike
Hilarious! Loved it. Glad you’re feeling a little more “settled”!
LikeLike
You made me laugh having been in similar predicaments. Happy to hear you are feeling settled.
LikeLike
So funny! I loved the lines “this would pass quickly” and “mask the smell”. Just curious, did the masks actually help?
LikeLike
So fantastic and horrifying… The level of preparation was also admirable.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This made me laugh, and I needed to laugh tonight. I love your playing with words and using COVID to your advantage. Thank you for sharing your stinky story.
LikeLike
Hysterical!
LikeLike
A bravely honest slice!
LikeLike
This made me laugh! And it was honest. Love it.
LikeLike
Teaching is not a job that is conducive to rumbling in the tummy! LOL Thanks for the laugh.
LikeLike
Ha! Covid mitigation to the rescue.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So many chuckles scattered through this slice! Thanks for sharing these moments of, um, gastrointestinal oversharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my god! I died laughing when I read this, in between thinking how brave you were to share! Haha. I do think we’re long-lost soul sisters because this NEVER happens to me, and just this week, I have been trying to figure out just what the f*$# I’ve been eating that’s causing this. I do not live with humans, but my dog has left the room more than once, between the sounds and smells. For some reason, this is only happening at night, so I haven’t had the joy of trying to blame it on my 3rd graders! I grew up in a household full of women, and this topic is not one I am comfortable talking about with anyone and, honestly, my dog doesn’t even do it, so we’re both a little mind-blown. Or something like that.
LikeLike